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I know how its feel like...........
25 April 2015 | 9:37 PTG | 0 comments

oh hello. again, i did rechange some parts. here is my story about how i lose my best friends.

since i was 13 (2013), i have bunch of friends that always stick with me. talking about weird stuff. laughing over silliest thing ever. selalu buat kerja bodoh sama sama. balik sekolah sama. pergi sekolah sama sama. ponteng solat sama sama. bahan orang sama sama. kena denda sama sama. study sama sama. tengok wayang & lepak semua sama sama. semua benda sama sama. dan bila makin lama. our cycle of friends makin bertambah. ada lelaki & perempuan. keadaan makin berubah. bila naik form 2 (2014). macam macam jadi. full of ups and downs in our friendship.

a start of new year, everything has changed. macam macam pergaduhan (persahabatan) berlaku. Sampai ada yang hilang kepercayaan dekat aku. aku dulu ada dua orang kawan yang aku anggap kawan baik. perempuan. yang paling aku percaya dan aku taknak sakitkan mereka. gi mana mana sekali rehat sekali. gossip sekali. kalau kawan aku dua orang tu sedih aku try comfort kan. tapi yang paling banyak sedih, seorang ni lah. yang seorang lagi tu rasa macam takda downs sangat. three of us tried so hard to comfprt each other when we down. but things changed so fast. yalah, sejak sejak gaduh. habis semua musnah. they decided to be together. weird thing is, both of them buang aku. anggap aku tak wujud. bila aku ajak lepak, dorang mengelak. kalau kawan aku ni dah takda sesiapa or maybe seorang tu tak hadir or dia rasa dia nak cerita dekat aku, mesti dia cari aku balik. and i was like a fool akan comfort dia. bagi dia kata kata semangat. because that's just me & aku tak suka tengok kawan seorang aku ni sedih so i tried to comfort her. and then they leave me all alone again. yes.

2014. aku ingat tahun ni sampai bila bila. because that year, i was drown into sadness. i was drown into darkness. and no one is willing to help me that time. i was a broken person. i was. i am stronger now because they left me. yes, they left me because they don't need me anymore in their life. i was fine at first. but then, aku rasa macam kenapa sial aku kena layan macam ni? apa salah aku? apa aku buat sampai aku kena layan macam ni? maybe they didn't pushed me away. but the way they treat me. its really different. dari cara aku dah nampak. aku tak cakap aku tak bersalah langsung. tapi atleast aku tak pernah buang kawan kawan. bila aku dah sayang orang tu, sampai mati aku sayang. tapi kalau dah kena macam ni, aku dah benci. tapi still, sekarang (2015), aku cuba taknak sakitkan hati dua orang tu.

2014 highlight dalam life aku bila aku rasa macam aku ni tak guna langsung dalam life. i have no one. i have no friends at all. well i mean, close friends. best friends. that could share stories and stuff.  nope. i don't have any. i lost both of em' whom I trusted so much and it hurts a lot. to get through everything, alone. aku bukan kuat mana pun. at some point aku kena juga paksa aku kuat & hadap benda bodoh ni sorang sorang. sabar je aku mampu. setiap kali aku teringat dorang, aku rindu. pada masa yang sama, hati aku dah benci. throw me away from their life when I trusted them so much and i dont even wanna try to hurt them? kejam gila. serious kejam gila. lama lama aku pun dah malas nak fikir pasal kawan.

losing my best friend can often be harder than losing my partner. is it not your best friend above all others who is there for you when times get tough? so what do you do when your best friends leave you?

the hurt and loss of a best friend leaving can often be far harder than you might think. relationships with a partner end and we are in many ways not prepared for that. it might hurt like hell but it is par for the course. friendships however are a completely different matter. we never expect that our closest confidante will up and leave us. it just is not conceivable. it does happen though.

kadang kadang kehilangan kawan baik lebih perit dari kehilangan kekasih. 
tanpa diaorang dalam hidup kita tak akan ceria seperti sekarang.

don't you guys hate it when they promise you they'll always be there for you, 
and love you no matter what and then they go off and replace you.

the friendship just dies. here today, gone tomorrow. it’s scary how easy it can happen, how simple it is to disconnect yourself from someone’s life. you just remove the plug. bye bye.

since then, i wrote depressed & sad writings all the time. it heals me, somehow.

then i got into form three. to pursue my PT3 this year. i met bunch of nice, supportive and caring friends. but deep inside, i know that i shouldn't get my hopes high on them. they are different. they are so nice to me. but they couldn't replace my ex best friends. and yes, i am not thinking to have a best friend. i am just being friendly and nice to people. pain changes me. i am different person now. i can't wait to prove them wrong.

full of bittersweet memories.

2015. i am finally change into a happy person (sometimes). enjoying my life. always do what makes me happy. and focus on what matters in my life. all of a sudden, one of my ex best friends tried to reach me. she willingly open her heart to be friend again with me after a long fight & missunderstanding. at first, i don't know how to react. i don't know what i should do. it took ages for me to accept her back in my life. not as a best friend. but as a friend. yes just friend. i don't want to get close to her. but she always ended up making me feel guilty like the way she treats me. it's really different. then at some point she changed her heart again & again. At some point she's nice to me, share some stories with me and at some point she leave me all alone again, abandoning me, didn't care of the words she throw to me. Its hurts.

why? why i talked to her? after so many things happened? because i need to forgive. i need forgive what people have done to me. in order for me to move on. aku dah maafkan dia dah lama. bukan sebab aku apa apa. sebab aku nak mula hidup baru. i tried to comfort her and stuff. because i believe, kalau orang tu nak kau lagi dalam hidup dia, dia akan usaha nak cari kau & dapatkan kau balik, sebab kau adalah sesuatu untuk dia, dan masa tu, kau boleh decide whether untuk terima dia, bagi dia peluang kedua, atau suruh dia jangan kembali lagi dalam hidup kau. cukup apa yang dia dah buat. kita sentiasa ada pilihan kan?

aku pilih untuk maafkan dia. bukan sebab aku nak rapat balik dengan dia. tak. cuma aku nak dia buka mata dia dan lihat apa yang jadi sekarang. aku nak dia buka hati dia terima aku seadanya. layan aku seadanya. aku tak minta lebih, cuma jangan sakitkan hati aku dengan kata kata yang pedih dan jangan layan aku nak tak nak. aku cuma nak dia terima aku, layan aku dengan baik. aku tak minta dia layan aku macam princess or bestfriends or what. aku just dia nak layan aku macam kawan kawan biasa bukan macam musuh. aku pun tak nak berharap lagi. cukuplah apa dah jadi. aku dah lali. i don't want to get my hopes high. really.

so, pain changes someone, kan? you will grow stronger. and better. and wiser.
just hang in there. let them be. Allah kan ada? sabar itu penting.

i read back all my all blogposts since 2007. everything i wrote. all about them. about how happy we were. how we used to be so close. every single thing. i wrote. how quick time flies. i decided to delete all of my old blogposts. i need to start fresh as a person. they left. what should i do? nothing. if they want me back, i will be here for them. if they don't want me back, it's okay. i don't mind. i am fine being all alone.

right now, i only have one true best friend. even though she's a bit far from me but i know her even more than anyone. i do share a lot of things in my life include personal things. i am more than blessed to have her.
she is kind. she is lovely. she is funny. she loves me. she accepted me the way i am.

aku ni susah nak berkawan dengan orang. 
tapi bila ada kawan tu aku jaga sampai mati. 
tapi adat hidup yang rapat dengan kita akan pergi jugak.

betul lah, orang yang dah hilang dan pergi dalam hidup kita, 
akan digantikan dengan orang lebih baik. percayalah.

when i think of all the people who once meant everything to me and now mean nothing, i get a little sick to my stomach. i wonder how it could’ve happened and why things couldn’t have stayed the same.

but still, i believe in His plans. always.

life is an adventure.
just get ready. for it.

i didn't mean to hurt or make you annoyed if you're reading this post. i'm just being honest. being honest of what i felt and think these past 2 years that thing happens. i'm so sorry if you're hurt or annoyed of my post. i didn't mean it.