31 Mei 2016 | 9:02 PTG | 0 comments
I feel like people are just waiting for me to screw up. I feel like people love seeing me unhappy, or when things happen to me. I don’t understand why I feel so useless, worthless and never good enough. The insecurities just drown inside me and I can’t ever explain exactly how I feel. To explain all the reasons would take such a long time. I had someone tell me “you don’t show your emotions”, to me there’s no point, someones always break my trust, or break me down. I am so guarded and honestly never tell how I feel, I get so awkward and just switch subjects, especially about emotions. The ones that I never expected, so therefore I never know when someone is going to do that to me, so therefore why open up? I keep the way I feel to my self because I don’t think it matters, I just feel like I'm being annoying or not being listened to, even tho I feel like you’re the only person that actually listens to me.. Or maybe I'm just being tricked with all the things you say and what you do and have no clue how it’s going to end up. I always think negative because that’s my way of keeping my guard up. I don’t believe that someone actually wants me, that someone actually wants me for me and thinks all these great things about me. I would never think that someone actually thinks that about me and loves everything about me. I feel like I’m just another girl, that I’m not that great and what you were expecting. When I'm actually different, I just have my guard up like you do. And have insecurities of my own. I never want to be wrong and never want anything to be my fault, just like everyone else. But I will admit when I'm wrong and when something is my fault. But even if it’s not my fault and someone tries to blame the problem on me I all of a sudden believe what they say and put all the blame on me, my friends say I do that too much and think i mess things up when I don’t when it’s the other person, but I do this thing where I trick my mind into thinking something completely different. I don’t know. I’m just lost and confused in this life of mine, and just want things to go right. Just for once, I mean I know there’s bumps in the road but I have this whole different aspect of life and how it really is in my head, but I think that’s what messes up peoples perspectives on life and about people, that we all have this picture in our heads, or how we want our life to be and how we want to live it, when it really isn’t that way, but we can make our life and the way we want it our own. Not everyone is going to agree with your judgement and what you want to do, but I prefer to understand how they feel, but to still do you. So therefore I look to life differently then certain people I guess, I have insecurities that drown me, I have my guard, wall up with who ever it is, I have had my heart broken, and don’t want that to happen again, but I’m learning to trust you, but I’m scared so I’m going to jump to my “gut feelings” and assume things to make sure I don’t get hurt and to make sure I don’t look stupid because I know how guys are. You say I’m scared to get attached because I am scared and you deny that you are, and the truth is I am scared to get hurt. Because I never felt this connection that we have with anybody and you do things completely differently then anybody else ever has. You seem like you actually care when I talk because you actually listen, you call me out on what I do wrong, when were together everyone says we have the same personalities, I can be my self around you without feeling stupid, we both stare at each other and I always catch you looking at me, you make me feel so happy and more secure with my self, you make me feel like you actually care about my feelings, and you’ve said things that other guys haven’t and have done things that guys haven’t, you make me feel so safe, and you are so strong, you’re such an interesting person and so close with my family. But I don’t know, I don’t know why I feel this way and have to feel this way. You make me forget about everyone and everything and no one has ever done that for me. I don’t know. I’m learning to trust you, just the guard thing. It’s still up, for now.